Here’s the deal. This will likely be the only non-cake related blog post I’ll ever make, and I beg you to stick around for a few minutes to read. There will be no pictures, no silly commentary in my usual form, and it will be heavy. It should, and hopefully will, place a burden on your heart to help.
It’s important. To me, and to millions of people worldwide.
I’m saddened immensely by the Germanwings plane crash. I’m frustrated at how the international media has framed this tragedy. Instantly, to make sense of the deaths of 150 people who had families, futures, hopes and dreams, we jump to the first plausible idea to place blame and create a comfortable-to-the-masses answer.
For co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, the media has decided to act as counselor, doctor, judge and jury, has found him guilty. What of? Mental illness. They have declared this to be the reason this plane went down. This to be the reason that 149 others died, because he must have wanted to kill himself AND them. Without more than 24 hours of investigation by experts and authorities, they have decided that they know best. Shame on YOU international media. You are a huge problem in society. Perhaps one of our largest problems as a human race. I hate you. Yeah. Hate.
Me. My story. And why it matters so much.
Let me tell you something that I swore to not tell anyone a long time ago. And for the most part haven’t told people (minus a handful).
I am bi-polar. I was diagnosed 14 years ago, before it was the “it” diagnosis with commercials all over the airwaves for pills and drugs to help make you better while never actually curing it (there is no cure, by the way). I was diagnosed after a stay in a hospital for what was believed to be severe clinical depression, borderline mood and personality disorders. It was there, under that 24 hour clinical supervision, that they finally figured out what I was: bi-polar.
I was given numerous different pill cocktails that always made me worse. SSRIs, MAOIs… Neither worked, though MAOIs made me want to die. A clever Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner I began seeing had worked with an anti-convulsant in the past to treat bi-polar, and it worked surprisingly well to help take the dangerous edge off. It worked ok. But okay was better than anything I’d ever had before.
My past before this treatment? Moods that I couldn’t control; destruction of relationships; harming myself; spending disgusting amounts of money on things I can’t remember; wanting to die; overdosing on prescription narcotic pain killers and Jose Cuervo intentionally because I didn’t want to open my eyes another day.
It was too much.
I was too much.
I wasn’t worth it.
The pain wasn’t worth it.
Only by the hand of God am I alive. Doctors don’t know how I survived because I shouldn’t have. But perhaps it was for this moment and one other in August of 2014.
Depressed Cake Shop Los Angeles
Many of you know I have become involved with my beloved Depressed Cake Shop Los Angeles, which works to stamp out the stigma around mental illness that prevents many people from seeking help. Hoping to reach the unreachable. To create conversation.
I spent a few days in August of 2014 at the home of one of DCSLA’s founding co-conspirators (yeah. that’s the cool name we give ourselves) to join in celebrating it’s first birthday. Weeks prior to this trip Robin Williams had committed suicide - he was bipolar. My depression instantly took hold and I swung lower than I had been in years. Not because he was a great actor and a loss to society for his talent and generosity; but because this son of a bitch disease took another one. Another beautiful soul lost. It was time for me to come clean.
I told Val, our fearless leader at DCSLA, why I answered her call to action the previous year. I told her about me and gave my personal testimony. It was time to face my fear, for his memory and for all the other lives lost to bipolar and to mental illness; time to speak and tell my story to the crowd that would be there to celebrate with us. I did. And I was terrified. I’ve been judged harshly for this disease by many, and by some people close to me. It has left me incredibly isolated, alone, without anyone. No matter how well you know me, you don’t know me. You know the fun, happy face, cracking jokes, and busy being entertaining and opinionated. A bold personality. But that’s mostly show. That’s the “me” I’m rewarded for. People don’t reward you with friendship or presence for being depressed, unexplainably sad, or suicidal. So, a show it is. A performance to keep people physically close, while remaining desperately alone.
Strangers were in that crowd I spoke to. Only strangers. But they were there for a reason.
The love, kindness, and sense of NOT ALONE I felt for the first time EVER in my life was palpable. So many shared their stories of pain with me. Shared the struggles they’ve had. Shared what they don’t often share… And with ME. A stranger, but a sister in a struggle they understood.
Why say something now?
My intention had always been to stand up at the end of my career and say to the world “See? See what I’ve accomplished? See what I did? I succeeded. I made a name for myself based on my talent and ability to teach and connect through food art. I impacted others in many ways, and for the better. I bettered my life and the lives of others. AND I DID IT UNDER YOUR NOSES WITH BIPOLAR. Betcha didn’t think someone like me was capable of these things.” I’d list out all of my accomplishments, achievements, awards and accolades as my evidence. To then show the world that we, the mentally ill, are some of the most talented, intelligent, strongest leaders and those who impact their fields and the world heavily in positive ways. World changing ways. Human existence changing ways.
However, if I wait, someone else might die, someone else might take their own life. Why see another soul leave this earth that may have been prevented by knowing that somebody else out there gets it? If these words give hope and pause to even one person standing in their bathroom with a bottle of pills and bottle of tequila about to take their life like me, then it was worth the near paralyzing fear of hitting “Publish” in the back end of my website.
What if? What if my story helps to destigmatize this thing, bipolar and mental illness, for even a handful of people? Then I’ve succeeded bigger than anything I’ll ever accomplish in my career.
Let me explain the fear.
The fear comes from the stigma.
STIGMA: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
Let me tell you another brief story. After I sent that email confessing myself to Val of DCSLA last August, I told a group of friends my story. I was going to be going public for the first time ever at this event, didn’t know how far my words would travel, and this group of people meant more to me than for them to hear it through the grapevine. I respected and valued them more than that.
Just a few weeks later, after telling them about my bipolar, I was escorted out of that immediate group (despite telling the one sending me away why I had seemed distant and needed space, being emotionally spent in every way possible from what I had done at the celebration event). A few months after that, with a number of my friends from that social circle still standing beside me, one of those that did not stand beside me, took what she knew of me and tried to use it to harm me; approaching a mutual friend and “warning” her about me because I’m bipolar. Our mutual friend did not know this about me prior to this point.
Warning.
As if I’m irreversibility and fatally broken. As if it’s dangerous to be around me or associated with me. As if I’m contagious. As if it’s not worth the risk to befriend me.
Luckily that mutual friend is a far better soul and our relationship has not changed, in fact it’s become stronger. Take that.
So there’s the fear. People leave you, write you off, assume you’re too broken to bother with.
It was said to my husband (who at the time was my brand new boyfriend) upon seeing the many self inflicted scars on my arms, that “Loving her isn’t worth the risk.”
I don’t think crueler words have ever been spoken. And despite trying to forgive this person, I’m not sure I ever will. It’s a pretty strong thing to say another person doesn’t deserve to be loved because of a genetic disorder they cannot fix and that will never be cured. Something I don’t choose to have and cannot choose to not have. As though there is nothing redeeming enough within me to hang around for or love.
We, the mentally ill, experience cruelness; mostly due to stigma and the lack of understanding, the lack of conversation, based on a disease 1 in 4 people experience in their lifetimes: mental illness.
So when I see the media immediately condemn a man for his mental illness, taking it upon themselves to convict him of murdering 149 others, I get pissed. We know nothing yet. Nothing. Believe it or not, the vast majority of people with mental illness have no inclinations to harm anyone else, and rarely ever do. But those that do, seem to be made the poster children for all mental illness. Not ok.
Please understand the amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins allowing me to write this and publish it. Please know that I don’t want accolades or applause for doing so. I want to help. I want to save a life. I want to let someone out there know that SOMEONE ELSE GETS IT and you are not alone.
As for my disorder, I’ve done lots of reading. I’ve talked clinically to my doctors wanting, needing, to understand the genetic components and the medical, physiological occurrences that make this disorder, bipolar, take over my life.
I know I will live with it all my days.
I know it controls every moment of my every day.
It takes an exhausting amount of effort to keep it hidden and keep people from knowing. And when I’m not social, it’s because I’ve grown too weary to hide, and instead hide myself.
I have a respect for my bipolar like nothing else.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever let that respect slip, I will lose my life.
Bipolar takes more lives than it leaves. It is complex, it is not fully understood (like mental illness as a whole). And the stigma around it costs lives.
I Hope…
…that after reading this you will feel empowered to reach out for help, or to help.
…that if you meet me, you will share yourself with me if the moment strikes you. I’ll get it. And I won’t think one bit less of you. Chances are I’ll wrap my arms tightly around you hoping you feel some small bit of love.
…when you look at my arms, and see my battle wounds from the immense battles I’ve won, you won’t become uncomfortable or awkward. That you will ask kindly about them and me and open a dialogue.
…that even one life might be saved.
More reading:
As written by an army of comedians, though it is not funny: http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/
One of the unfair headlines about Andres Lubitz: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/11501981/Andreas-Lubitz-inside-the-mind-of-a-mass-killer.html
To follow Depressed Cake Shop Los Angeles: https://www.facebook.com/DepressedCakeShopLosAngeles
About Bipolar: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20027544
Stamping out stigma with mental illness: https://www.projecthelping.org/stigma-of-depression.html?gclid=COXW-5OMzsQCFU0vgQod8qMAfA
Thanks for reading. I’ll return to my normal shenanigans shortly. Promise.
You are awesome, and I don’t mean that flippantly or lightly. It takes a whole lot to put that out there and yes, it is an immensely brave thing to do. While we are making strides in society, we have a ways to go. As someone who has pretty severe anxiety, and some good lengthy bouts of depression, I understand the fear and the stigma. I also know about being judged. Watching the reporting of the Germanwings case has been pretty hard and infuriating.
There is a local sports show host who is very open about his severe depression and uses the hashtag #sicknotweak. It is an illness, not a person’s failure. I am very open with my nearest and dearest, doing what I can to help them understand what it means. I’ve had an idea for a blog for the past 2 years or so, one day I may be brave enough to start it.
Thank you for sharing Kara. You will always have my support, understanding and willingness to help educate others (or kick some ass if needed 😉 ). xx
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for you!
I love respect and admire you thank you for telling your story It is mine as well
Love you xoxo
Love you xxx not in a weird way. I get it xxx
Thank you for being so brave to bare your self to the public, thank you for taking a risk, thank you for being so honest, thank you for not giving up on yourself, thank you for fighting for yourself and others with this disorder. As a sufferer of a mental health disorder - I know the stigma and the challenges, daily. I applaud your honesty.
It is time to take this out of the closet and support those who are dealing with mental illness and give them a voice. No, we cannot just snap out of it or take a magic happy pill, I wish.
I get it. Thank you for putting it out there for more to see/understand. xoxo
kara your post is deeply touching. I myself have suffered in the past with depression. I won’t go as far as to say I’m bi polar because I am not. I suffered with post natal depression about a year after giving birth to my first daughter. I did not tell my family. Instead, I let it ruin me, and completely consume me for the best part of a year before seeking help. The feeling of not wanting to be around my own beautiful child, and not knowing why… But not wanting anyone else to be with her either was soul destroying, and confusing. And I still beat myself up to this day, 7 years on. This made me not want to have more children, because I didn’t want to ever suffer this again. Being in that hole, that massive one which feels like there are no walls to pull your self up and out of it, is a scary and dark place to be. Admitting to the world that I didn’t want to be around my own daughter was not an option, and so how could I get help? I couldn’t even describe it.
I feel for you. Really I do. Feeling the need to ‘go public’ with your …’disease’. It shouldn’t have to be that way. And it’s a sad fact that it is.
I do hope that people with mental illnesses reading this will take some comfort from your words. Even the comfort they gain should be considered an achievement. A life saved…. Well, there would be no words for that.
X
Kara, thank you so much for sharing this. You are such a beautiful soul. I just had the 8 year anniversary of my suicide attempt, I’ve known the deepest and darkest of depression, dealt with bulimia for years, but I’m here. I’m alive. And I’m grateful. I was the person who told the guy interested in me that “loving me isn’t worth the risk.” He didn’t listen and he’s my wonderful, loving husband now. We can have happy endings too. We can create art and be awesome. We are not alone.
You are such a beautiful person with a powerful voice. I hear you dear friend.
Bless your sweet heart, I know it took a whole lot strength and guts to write this, or more importantly to publish it. I can only imagine the battle that rages inside of you and the thought of it has literally reduced me to a slobbery tear-stained mess. I hate that you have to fight those demons every day and I’m super proud of you for being as talented and amazing as you are despite your setbacks. I hope people do read this and it leads them to get the help they deserve. I seriously just want to give you a big hug right now, I hope you can feel it.
And if I can leave this comment on a lighter note - I automatically assume that everyone I meet is broken and contagious. I know I sure am.
Kara, I’ve shared my story with you before. Not all of it, but that’s something we can do in person, when we finally meet, if you’d like to hear it. I’m struggled with depression as far back as I can remember, which is age 4. Several reasons behind it, really. It’s been a long battle, every day, and last year I almost lost that battle. Several times. That’s when I met you through Jane, and was introduced to DCS. I’m sitting here crying after reading your post, because although I’m not bipolar, my depression and PTSD has kept me fairly isolated due to stigmas as well. And I do understand that need to keep the smile on for people. All I hear is “You have so many friends. You’re always smiling and active” But that’s the face I put on for the world. They don’t see the real me… because they don’t Want to. It makes them uncomfortable to know that my life isn’t the perfect thing they think it is. That by being my friend, there’s a bit of responsibility to actually care, beyond just wine tasting and dancing.
Making my cake for DCSSF was the hardest thing I’ve done, as I also put my mental illness out there for the world to see. And since then, I’ve been far more open about it, also in the hopes of saving one more life. Robin’s death also affected me deeply. At the time, I was struggling to not end things, and my friends couldn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to judge him for his actions, but rather hated that noone had been there to help him through his pain. I love you, Kara, and can’t wait to meet you in person and give and get that hug. We are not alone.
Bless you Kara. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this Kara, you’re incredibly brave, and inspiring.
Nothing to say except for, Thank You!
<3
Bless you Kara. Despite your illness, which in a twisted way makes you who you are…..
The kindered and greatly talented spirit I admire, I wish you well. And I’ll keep you in my prayers. Asking for you to remain strong and loved by those who deserve to be loved by you. Stay well, happy, healthy and what ever it is you feel like at any given moment. Just remember that you are admired and loved.
thank you for putting into words how many of us feel day after day. Should we ever meet I hope I will be fortunate to be marble to give you a huge hug and thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are one very special lady x
Wow, that’s some powerful stuff and I couldn’t agree more with it. I only know you through your amazing cakes, the tremendous support and advice you give to anyone that seeks it and your contagious sense of humor yet I call you a “cake friend” when talking to my hubby about cake stuff. We have never met, probably won’t unless you come out to Australia
Thank you for this, for putting your heart out there for the world to see. I share my story for the same reasons you do. When people read our stories they know they are not alone. Our words have the power to inspire hope in those who are grasping for a reason to live. And then someday in the future, when they are ready, they will pay it forward by sharing their story.
Today you saved a life. Thank you for your words.
What a brave lady you are to share this story. I admired you before but now……well you have risen 100% in my estimation. The world needs people like you to speak out honestly and openly, to make people understand. Keep up the good work and don’t you go hiding away too often. We are all here for you xx
This made me cry. Thank you for your honesty, and bless you for your bravery. You’re amazing in all sorts of ways. I feel like the wind just got knocked outta me- phew!
I thought the same about Andres Lubitz when I heard all the media hype about his past mental illness. Thank you for having the courage to speak out! I’m currently facing my own demons and have been seriously thinking about going to a psychiatrist. I live in a society where you just “deal with it” so that’s what I told myself I was doing for the past 35 years. I had an episode last week that’s made me realise that I need to get some professional help but it’s also left me estranged with my mom. I managed to keep that part of me hidden from my parents so it took her by surprise. They never saw the scars or missed the pills. Now I don’t know how to explain what happened or how to apologise. Again, thank you for being so brave and if I ever get to meet you in person, I’d like to know about your battle scars. *hug*
Kara- your message hit home for me- my husband suffered from Bi-Polar- so bad- they never could find a “cocktail” of medications that worked for him. They tried so much medication that his body could not take it anymore- he died , having a massive heart attack-at the age of 29 yrs old-the meds had enlarged his heart- A part of me died that day too- I was a widow with a 5yr old son at the age of 26- heartbreaking
But- life had drastically changed for him- and me years before that :(. Mental hospitals- manic episodes- police escorts- straight jackets- loss of friends and family- money - jobs - but most of all his/our happiness- see he remembered being well and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be back there- he was enormously embarrassed about everything of this hideous -life altering disease-
I pray you have found some kind of peace or a better word- understanding that you are NOT this disease- Im so glad you came out of the darkness in so many ways- be gentle with yourself- your life depends on it-
I honor your words- your life journey- as I honor the time I had with my husband - he was not his illness- thank you for sharing your story- your truth- I KNOW it will help others- be well - hugs Mo
Powerful and eye opening.
You are not only extremely talented but an awesome human being.
Thank you for opening up. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. Don’t ever regret it.
I’m sorry that this is a process that you have to endure, but I have no doubt that you will be saving lives through it.
Even though we don’t all ‘know’ you… We’ve got your back.
x
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I also suffer from bipolar disease. Mental illness runs through my family. I was raised watching my mother suffer so much before the disease was really understood. It has always amazed me how people can judge so harshly. You are a beautiful talented lady. I’ve learned so much in my career of cake decorating from you.
Powerful, courageous, and raw. It’s a story that needs telling over and over again until the stigma is no more. I hope you take incredible comfort in knowing your story will not only help others but in the most real way has all the possibility of saving lives.
I am so touched by your story, and I believe I speak for many when I say thank you. Thank you for showing the world that people with mental illness have amazing, rewarding careers. Thank you for demonstrating that although things can get really bad, tomorrow is another day and it can get better. Thank you for being honest and pointing out that your disease is a lifelong struggle, but that the struggle is so worth it.
The statement that moves me most is your “respect” for your disease. It is very hard work to overcome the obstacles associated with any mental illness, and how many stories have we heard of those who felt “so good” that they didn’t need medication any more, only to spiral out of control or lose their life.
My struggles with mental illness began postpartum 7 years ago. Although I feel much better these days as a whole, I am forever changed. But I am finally sorting out the combination of medication, therapy, diet and self-care that make a good and happy life possible. I always have hope
Loving to bake and decorate has been very therapeutic for me, and your talent has drawn my admiration. Now I will admire you that much more for sharing your story and advocating for the need to erase the stigma of mental illness. Bravo, my friend!!
Thank you. You have put a face and a voice to the bi-polar disorder. And, you have been so clear for those that don’t understand mental illness, so that they can begin to understand. It is a long journey that you have travelled alone and a longer one for all of us going forward. Thank you.
Thank-you for speaking out/up! I spoke out just last week about my father who was mentally ill on Facebook. Barely any of my friends reached out to me and hit the “like” button. It hurt my feelings so much I deleted my post. I keep wondering if I should unfriend everyone who didn’t acknowledge my note, after all they clearly aren’t there for me. Over the years of participating on FB I’ve gone out of my way to hit the “like” button constantly for people I perceived to be friends, to show them my support. I shed a huge amount of tears writing the post and baring my truth, and got rejected/ignored.
I have two nephews that are bi-polar, a spouse and father who have borderline personality disorder. I tend to think all the people who didn’t respond to my post and the people who with-drew from you are perhaps sicker than the ones with diagnosed mental illness.
Many mental illnesses can be helped, regulated and controlled with medications and therapy. Even if the pilot did commit murder/suicide it doesn’t mean everyone with mental illness will do anything like that! It’s equal to condemning an entire race/group for one persons actions.
No matter what happens, what reactions you get from people after this disclosure know that you’ve touched some people! You’ve touched me, thank-you!!
My friend! tears fell down my cheeks reading this and I could hear your voice in every word you typed. Your strength is IMMEASURABLE and I am so so honored to call you my dearest of friends! I have struggled with depression mixed with a type-A personality and Anxiety and sometimes I feel like I have no control at all. You inspire me so much by sharing your story and helping to change the stigma associated with mental illness. I love you so much I could just squeeze you!!!
One of the most beautifully written, raw and powerful pieces I have ever read. Perfectly imperfect. Strength personified.
You know I squirrely love you because you show love,admiration and respect for others…and you are not hiding behind the “other personality”…that is a part of you too and who you are.
What a powerful, raw, emotional piece. Thank you for sharing and I hope that people continue to share your story so that it reaches a wider audience. Continue to stay strong!
Beautifully written post. I completely understand the sweat and tears that goes into writing something like this, having just recently publicly owned my bipolar diagnosis. You have a big, beautiful, brave heart and I appreciate you. Be well!
Thank you for your beautiful words. I cannot even come close to understanding the strength it takes to get through each day. Your words brought me clarity. I realized that I was swallowed up by the media’s portrayal of such a tragic accident, and didn’t give a thought otherwise. Thank you for bringing me to my senses, and opening my eyes to see a different perspective. Sending you strength, peace, and love. I know you have made a difference to others by sharing yourself with us. xo
Nothing but respect. And love.
You are one strong woman! I would be honored to meet you! This world is so busy judging others without understanding. Most take the easy way out and decide your not worth the effort to have as a friend! Shame on them! I admire your courage to tell the world exactly who you are! I pray you continue to find the strength to take on each day and that you have LOTS of friends who understand your need to retreat!!!
Dear Kara, what a beautiful person you are! I respect you even more right now, it takes a lot of strength to talk about this publicly. What you went through and going through is really heartbreaking. Please, stay strong!
I vowed to you. You have to be so strong and brave to share this. I’m so sure this will help so many people that fight not only mental illness but many other s like anorexia etc. Social media really messes your brain and desynthetize human feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.
thank you so much for sharing this Kara. My sister who passed away at the young age of 24( she would have been 46 this past Feb) suffered from many forms of mental illness. She battled numerous demons like the ones you spoke of but unfortunately she refused and couldn’t be saved. I got involved in many groups as a way to help her and to help me understand what she was dealing with and what she was doing to herself. The last. 2 years of her life were constant battles, hospital visits, police visits, etc. I miss her everyday but it was a different time then and I’m sure it still is now. My parents refused to see that something was wrong or maybe they just didn’t want to know because they were so scared. Either way she is lost to us but it definetly changed my life and the way I perceive things and people. People who have never experienced it or have someone they know go through can unfortunately be unkind but hopefully posts like this can educate people to the reality of this disease. Hugs!
Thank you for sharing….we have a long way to go with mental health issues….how can others understand what we can barely comprehend ourselves x
Kara, thank you for sharing your journey with us. My son is not only Autistic but Bipolar…it is a journey I wish upon no one. I watch him struggle every single day of his 26 years of life. I wonder what will happen to him when I die. It scares the crap out of me. I love him beyond measure, even when I don’t like him very much. What happened to those people, pilot included is tragic and horrid. Unfortunately the responsibility falls on the pilot because that’s wheat the media does, it needs to place it in a box. We could go on and on about whose fault this is, but at the end of the day, the outcome will not change. Not for these people. I pray your story will help someone, I pray people will open their eyes that we’re supposed to be helping each other, not condemning. Prayers to you all Kara and again, thank you for sharing.
YOU have made a difference in my life. Thank you !!
I have 2 children who have bipolar… Thank you for this. Thank you 1 million times over. This needs to be said and needs to keep being said. There are so many the that need to change about mental illness… You are an inspiration!
Thank you for your bravery, I know how hard it was for you to expose your true self to your piers and thus, the rest of the world. I would like for you to know that your words softened my heart towards my own mother. Since my Father’s death, my Mother’s lifelong Bi-Polar Disease has been diagnosed. This has been the most painful realization, explaining a lot of painful experiences in my own life. I have, until now, distanced myself from her to avoid the pain she inflicts regularly during our prior relationship.
After reading your story, I have to rethink everything. I don’t know exactly how to explain what you made me consider. It’s not her fault, she’s not doing it on purpose, and she probably does not hate me.
I am suffering from Fibromyalgia and the depression that comes from chronic, sometimes debilitating pain. Most days, I force myself from bed and into a staggeringly difficult existence. But, I have people who love me and count on me to hold it together. My cakes give me some escape and release, the pain dissolves when my mind is deep in the details.
You are brave and resilient and inspiring…..and loved.
I usually don’t comment but this is so brave that multiplies exponentially the way I admire you. You are an amazing lady!
You are Awesome xx
I love this blog post and I love the cakes on your site.
Many people go through illness and some come out. I won’t go into personal details. Its not about not being brave enough to share the story. I’ll just leave a quick word -
I believe our society has not yet reached the ability to accept truths behind mental health. Some people think it is just over-reacting people. Some think you are crazy. Or that you’re lonely and all you need to do is just go out and meet people. Few understand but don’t have enough time. Whatever be the case, no one cares to know your story and they WILL judge you. Let it be.
For those who still feel like they’re “drowning” in their own mind,
a big hug to you. But don’t hang in there. Decide to come out of it. Let people judge you.Take your time, but come out of it. The world has many other people and many beautiful things. Even these people who once put you away will learn a thing or two about not having been there for you. Doesn’t matter. You don’t need them back. But they will surely know you are not your illness. Don’t take it as a challenge and live to prove anyone a point. Take your time. Find your peace. Master your mind and time, set physical goals- run or climb or draw or sing. Put away all negativity - mean people, sad people. Surround your self with people who think you are awesome. Feed yourself some narcissism. Because you need it.
One day you will realize you survived. The mind will be clear of the clouds. Realize you got this chance to live again. And live well. Live fully.
We can all share our story, but truth is not many people care. Live and just spread some kindness for those who are still “drowning” in Bipolar. Your story is their story and do they need to be told how it feels like? They need a hug. Spread the kindness and love. The world can always take more of it.
Well, that’s all I can do. I wasn’t born with the ability to read a post like this and be able to feel sympathy. But now I can.
I know what the word “darkness”, “feels like life is running ahead of me and i am chasing it”, ” feels like drowning” means.
I can see someone in pain and it brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I’d bake a cake, with love or give a hug. Or both.
Thanks for sharing so openly. I just found your blog through a friend’s recommendation and thank you so much for writing about the media coverage of the plane crash and telling your story. It makes a big difference.
i am speechless after reading all of these moving, honest, touching, raw, brave comments. I keep remembering how I jumped up and down when you answered my email after admiring your work so….. Never did I expect we would share this journey. You were a superhero today. Love you to bits!! Xxxx
Kara, there is so much I want to say, but most of all, I want you to know is that I love you for being you!
Im so very thankful for your story. Im not sure what type yet bit ive been dealing with some sort of depression ever since i can remember, i only choice to get help this year because i could see my condition was effecting my 3yr old daughter. I even had to stop doing cakes because my anxiety of even talking to someone about an order could not be calmed. It just gives me hope reading this that i can get back to the things i love one day. You definitely helped me. Thank you
Firstly… What sort of society have we created whereby people have to hide their illness & are brave for stepping forward to announcing it to the world ?
What gives others the right to be so judgmental, to sit & label people.
Kara you are a beautiful lady who has given so much to others through your cake world & now am learning through DCSLA which I didn’t know existed. There is not one single person on this planet that has the right to judge a person because of their illness. You will have learnt who your true friends are & the ones who will always be there for you. I thought you were a strong person before i read this article which shows me you are even stronger than I thought by posting it.
God love you Kara as I know we all do xxxxx
No words I can say will express how deeply you have touched me, respect and love sent your way x x x
God bless you!!!! In order to keep it, you have to give it away!!! The truth shall set you free. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you. One day I hope I can be as strong as you are and face my own demons.
Kara, thank you so much for sharibg this my friend.xx
I thank god that our paths crossed well you don’t know me but I know you:) you have always been one of my role models whom I look upon , you are a lovely soul who is very creative, a wonderful person , I am ver happy that I came across to know you this life time. Thank you for sharing your story lots of love n hugs.
xoxo
Hopefully some day I meet you and we have a chat . it’s my dream
I’ve typed and deleted at least 6 sentences. I don’t know the right thing to say as I’m experiencing a huge range of emotions after reading this. I’m sad that you have this illness to contend with. I’m astounded at what you’ve accomplished in spite of it. I’m furious that anyone would not support you, especially a group that was supposed to be composed of FRIENDS. Sorry, but only a real shithead would make a move to remove you from that group. I’m hopeful that she’s taken a close look at herself. I’m proud of you for talking about all of this. I’m in awe at how much courage this must have taken. I’m thrilled to have met you. I’m happy to be your friend. Sending love. xx
I was hoping you’d find this after our chat. <3 Thank you, Peggy.
I admire you for sharing your story. Keep fighting. God bless you.
Good for you! It takes balls to do what you have done and shame on people for turning away a not-so cookie cutter run of the mill personality. We all have issues that come in many forms. Some hinder us more then most but that’s our own battle. When people choose to run or cower out of my life, I like to call that “process of ELIMINATION”. And should really thank them for not allowing me to waste time, good or bad, on them. But no, you are not alone, and never will be. Thank you for sharing your story, I know it will do good for many people and I hope you continue to believe that as well.
kara, thank you, you could be my daughter. She too is bi-polar and after three suicide attempts and hospitalized. She is now stable and working with our local mental health to help others trying to find thier way. She too has lost many friends because they just don’t understand. She displays her scars as a way to reach out to others. So thank you for being so brave and I too hope others will take away a better understanding of this terrible illness.
Kara this just confirms to me what you’re an amazing woman you are <3
Oh my lovely Kara, this was so well written and I am so proud of you for coming out and saying something. I believe letting others know about our mental illness is important and always thought that by telling others, then that would help them understand us better …..unfortunately there are some that just have no idea of how to or want to understand it. Last week I was discussing with a friend about how I had lost many people who I thought were friends since revealing on facebook that I suffered from depression and it was funny that she told me her mum used to say to her…”smile and the whole world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone”! This statement hit home so much. Why do people only want to be your friends when you are happy or willing to help them, should it not be the other way around as that is when you need them most? Well, it is the other way around when they are true friends, I have figured that out. Most do not truly know us like you said, and only few stick by those of us with mental illness for we are accused of being too much work to be friends with. I don’t think we are hard to be friends with, I think we are the best people to be friends with as we are so grateful and loyal to those who try to know the real us. You know I love and adore you and for coming out and speaking only increases my admiration for you. You are talented, smart, caring and beautiful and do not let anyone else to you otherwise. Big hugs.
Your bravery and candor are as remarkable as your talent and generosity. Thank you Madame Kara!!
EVERYTHING. And more. Love you lady. xoxo
I sit here with tears streaming down my face after this heart wrenching and brutally honest post. I applaud your bravery for speaking out when so many people easily judge what they do not understand. I have PTSD and suffered deep depression for years. My only choice, as I saw it, was to medicate myself into full blown alcoholism; secretly drinking in the evening with curtains drawn only to go out the next day with my mask of normalcy firmly fixed. I am now 16 months sober but still not out of hiding from either the alcoholism or the PTSD and depression. I have seen first hand how people are judged then dismissed for being “different”. I am not yet ready to reveal myself but I know the time is drawing near for that revelation when I read posts like this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your vulnerability.
Increible historia y espero que otras personas “enfermas” o no tomen tu ejemplo de lucha y perseverancia
Yo entre a tu pagina buscando comprar un tutorial y me encontre con algo mucho mejor y gratis!!! un ejemplo de exito apesar de la adversidad Felicidades!!!!
Amazing history and hope other people “sick” or not take your example of struggle and perseverance
I come into your page looking to buy a tutorial and I found something much better and free !!! an example of success in spite of adversity Congratulations
Thank you for your honesty and personal story. I have no doubt you’ve managed to save at least one precious life. After a friend lost her husband to depression last week,(which has shocked all of us) this post touched a nerve within.
I wish you inner peace x
Dear Kara,
Thumbs up for you!! I can imagine the amount of courage you have taken up to share your story. Just want to let you know not only are you very talented, but you are also a very brave and kind-hearted lady who certainly deserves to be loved and admired.
A lot of respect to you
May God’s blessings be with you xoxo
Love,
Bea
I don’t know you, but I love you
I share your diagnosis, and your profession, and have always enjoyed your pics and posts - so I decided to share your blog post on Facebook. Here is what I posted: Bipolar disorder: Solidarity, sistah! Being diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder was tough, and sharing it with the world ain’t easy, but *nothing* is harder than living with it. Happily mine is being managed well enough with meds after 15 YEARS of different drug combinations - including a year where doses and meds were changed every three weeks. It has been worth it, though, because I lived all the years before that with no diagnosis and no understanding of what was wrong. I haven’t lived through the extreme case she has, fortunately.. Mine has always been more of a weight chained to my ankle dragging my energy and self esteem down (which is why I was diagnosed and treated for straightforward Depression until about 4 years ago). This Kara person is a fellow Cake Artist and instructor and has written this public message at great emotional risk - which has inspired me to reach out to the public, once again, in hopes that I can reach out to more people like us and to people who are struggling. Don’t ever give up hope, keep trying new medicine combinations and be open to a new diagnosis: the label of Bipolar Disorder is scary but being treated with medicines for depression or anxiety when you really have Bipolar can make things much worse… And know you are never truly as alone as you feel. #BipolarDisorder #BipolarII #LivingWithBipolar #IHateBipolarDisorderItsAwesome
#IHateBiPolarDisorderItsAwesome too 😉 Thanks, chicky. <3 It’s good to know there are others out there who get it.
I know that you handle all the situation. Your are one of the courageous lady. God bless you kara, Have a wonderful journey of you life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Kara, was just looking to share that I found your tutorial on Youtube for applying lustre to cakes. I used it yesterday and was so excited that I wanted to share my excitement with you. Then I came across this! I am so sorry for what you have and what you have been through. Thank you for sharing and for helping others. I too have some issues but nowhere near your experiences. May God bless you and give you the strength and love that you so deserve. Much love and hugs with thanks xxxxx
Kara, what a story. Thank you for sharing and opening up with the world, your listeners on Periscope, your youtubers, facebookers and anywhere else that we follow you. In my line of work, (not my night shift of baking lol) I see this and mental health issues almost everyday. I also live with this very closely in my family. From me to you and for everyone else battling mental health, I give you a big heartfelt hug. You are inspiring in more ways that one.
I have no words. You just poured your soul into this blog and I’m blown away by your bravery. *I am still virtually hugging you! Thank you Kara!
Wow! Kudos to you for bearing your heart and soul. Know that in God’s eyes your are loved, you are beautiful and HE loves you for you!!!! I’m sending you internets hugs ((( )))! I pray that your bad days aren’t too bad, that you have more good days than not so good, and I’m so happy you have a loving husband for support! As you stated there is no cure. I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis, and ther’es no cure. Just today I had a chemotherapy treatment to control the pain, swelling etc. Baking is my PASSION and I so appreciate everyone of you top notch folks out there who share your talents. I’m starting to ramble…soooooooooooo keep on trucking girlfriend! You rock!